Date: Sat, 5 Jun 93 8:47:16 EDT From: "Louie Crew" Subject: For "conversion" FAQ Subject: Regeneration: Part 1 LutiNotes on the Regeneration Conference, Catonsville, MD, May 22, 1993 --Louie Crew, Founder of Integrity, the Justice Ministry of Lesbigay Episcopalians An overview: These are my personal notes from the Regeneration conference at Catonsville, Maryland, May 22, 1993. I first circulated them to the E-Catacomb of Lesbigay Christians. Bracketed [] remarks refer to my own responses, marked LUTI for "H.R.H.Q. Lutibelle," my nom-de-camp. This conference has caused me to grow. I am grateful. I went expecting lesbigays like me to be attacked. I did not find that. I had no need of the Abednego asbestos bra and Shedrek tenny pumps that I had carefully packed. I rejoice. This conference contrasted radically with the regional meeting of Episcopalians United (EURRR) in Cranford, NJ a couple of years ago, where the attack level was extremely high. I am glad that I went to both, glad that I clarified for myself some of the differences. Judge for yourself whether I have been scorched unawares. One thing that my perspective lacks is the influence of those who have been through such "therapies" and then now resent having been tricked by them. One major difference between EURRR and Regeneration was the audience: the EURRR audience was mainly a group of hetero malcontents assembled in a huff to protect the Church. EURRR's exegesis had nothing at stake for them personally, except reassurance that they were right and everyone else was wrong. Leaders of EURRR explored 6 antigay passages in minute detail, but since these passages do not address hetero-salvation, when the group finally broke for discussion, not surprisingly the smaller groups dealt far more with other complaints than with a discussion of lesbigay persons. Those at my EURRR table seemed to think that they knew few if any lesbians or gays personally. Nor, I felt, would they want to. At Catonsville, however, the audience itself seemed as lesbigay as any other lesbigay assembly I have ever attended. Much body language was lesbigay -- no less so than when I attended the Christmas concert of the Gay Men's Chorus of NYC. A smattering of straits stood out by a clunkiness that not even the most ardent lesbigay "passer" could carry off, especially when he or she perceived eternal life to be at stake. The Regeneration conference seemed to achieve a space where it was safe to manifest a wide range of lesbigay mannerisms. (No flaming queans except me, I admit, nor any dykes on bikes; so I admit, not a "full" range, but full enough for a serious conference.) I rejoiced to be among a flock of my own people. I rejoiced to listen to their candor with struggle, struggle which I know intimately from my own experience, having waited until I was 28 to accept my own homosexuality and having waited until I was 36 [now I am 56] to embrace it as integral, not just a sinful thorn in my flesh. That last step they have not taken, or at least, not in the same way. I was nurtured by their honesty about anguish in their spiritual choices. I have not chosen glibly, nor it appeared to me, have most of the persons I heard. I rejoiced to hear my sisters and brother longing to be faithful to God and to be faithful to what God wants from their them. We differ mainly in what we discern God wants from each of us. I am embarrassed and repent that initially I expected this congregation to be hostile and glib. They were not. Hostility and glibness are not the special province of any quarter of the lesbigay Christian movement. We all risk it to our peril. Too many times we want to defend ourselves against the onslaught of every possible misinterpretation by wiping out for everyone else what we consider to be, or to have been, false choices for ourselves. People on each side of the Regeneration/Integrity model too easily reduce the faith choices of others to either Sin or Stupidity. With eternal life the stake, that polarization should surprise no one. But when I imagine God brooding as She does over all creation, I do not find her throwing definitive lightning bolts in either direction. She never promised that our choices would be easy nor that what is right for me would be right for someone else. She does promise that God's name is Love and that God's love is indiscriminately and unconditionally available to absolutely everyone. Winners? God's greater, more certain prophecy: All god's children win finally and just as soon as each can connect to that promise for right now. My lesser, more vulnerable prophecy: Regeneration's entire modus vivendi depends on the inerrancy of its reading of the Big Six. Reading those the way they do, they live as faithfully to their vision as they can. I pray that I may live as faithfully to my understanding of God's call to my own life. I doubt Regeneration's reading of those passages will hold fast in Christendom. Regeneration inherited those readings. Those readings in others' hands have underwritten enormous injustice and cruelty, as Joe Dallas acknowledged, cruel which the God of Love has no part of. Shakers made a similar commitment to celibacy and redefinition. They grew up as a 19th-century Christian form of birth control, and literally "shook" in ecstacy as a sublimation/suppression/? of libido. They left gifts for us far more important than their famous furniture -- a gift to be simple, a gift to be free. As my sisters and brothers in Regeneration live into their gifts, I wish them such strength and an abiding sense of God's presence in their daily struggles. I bid their prayers for me, a sinner, saved by God's infinite grace. I bid their prayers for me and Ernest together, that we might faithfully live our our commitments not narrowly focused on each other, but in strong private embrace, focused outwardly in communion with all God's children. Luti/Louie ======================================================================= Contents of the remaining reports: Caveat: I wrote these primarily as private notes for my own use. I provide them as a service to persons willing to accept the limitations of such a process. I typed as fast as I could and as accurately as I could, but I did not strive to preserve exact wording when, as often was the case, the speaker sped ahead of my fingers. I left gaps in much of the syntax when I felt I could decipher the notes for basic meaning. If these lead you to explore more complete versions, you may order tapes of all sessions, including those which I did not attend, at $3.50 per session or $25 for all sessions and workshops from Regeneration, P. O. Box 9830, Baltimore, MD 21284. Introduction by Alan Medinger, director of Regeneration: Regeneration is 14 Years old, but this is our first conference. At the beginning, we could not even find a church to meet in; for this conference 15 of 20 potential host congregations responded affirmatively. 15 years ago my first Exodus conference had only one-third this crowd. We are a very mixed group. I know two-thirds of you: counselors, ex-homosexuals. I hope the conference will meet all your needs. registration=125. About 115 have arrived. [*Note diction "ministry to people overcomING homosexuality" -- progressive verb form. This and all other bracket remarks are LutiNotes.] 1st Plenary Session: Joe Dallas, "The Change Process" [See Regeneration 2] 2nd Plenary Session: Joe Dallas, "The Church and the Homosexual" [See Regeneration 4] 3rd Plenary Session: Questions and Answers [See Regeneration 7] Workshops & leaders: Bob Ragan, Fairfax Regeneration leader: "Fantasy & Masturbation: Destruction of the True Self" Willa Medinger: "Healing of the Feminine Soul" [Luti attended. See Regeneration 5] Alan Medinger: "Help for Families and Friends" Dave Winters, leader of New Directions in Northern Virginia: "Pornography-- Harmless? Helpless? Healing?" Dr. Doris Morgan, Baltimore leader and co-sponsor: "Sexual Addiction." [Luti attended. Report follows as Regeneration 3] Addenda: two encounters with parents: See Regeneration 6 Regeneration: Part 2nd of 7 LutiNotes on the opening plenary session "The Change Process" conducted by Joe Dallas Regeneration Conference, Catonsville, MD, May 22, 1993 ==================================== Alan Medinger introduced Joe Dallas: Joe Dallas has been the leader of Exodus for the last 3 years. He is the author of DESIRES AND CONFLICT, the book that more than any other of our books has had an audience outside ex-gay circles; Joe will speak to a men's conference in Colorado later this year: it is a great thing, an ex-gay who will show men how to be men! ==================================== Dallas: At my first Exodus meeting, I wore a t-shirt and they snapped me up as president. [Today he is in a tie; most in the audience are in t-shirts.] I dare anyone to speak about homosexuality without offending anyone. Did you see Opra last week? Her program on ex-gays manifested 3 viewpoints: 1) It is wrong even to suggest change is possible. Sexual identity is unnatural/immutable. All claims to change amount to interference with nature. 2) I have changed: now I feel strong attractions for the opposite 3) the disappointed who have honest criticisms of the attempts to change that did not work. There will be always those who oppose the Bible because it inconveniences them. When Jesus the angry swineherders when he healed the demon-possessed many. Paul in Ephesus: upset Dimitrius who made big bucks off Diana worship. We will see escalation of conflicts about our ministry: we have only just begun: but in the future you will have to duck if you are a bible-believing Christian. The promotion of those who have experienced genuine change on Opra. Too many feel they ought that change occurs only if you can "propagate like a stud"; but others chose celibacy, and that's good too. Change must be a secondary issue: we have been too anxious to promote an idealistic quick view of change, and not enough emphasis on obedience. Bonhoffer: When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die. We should feel that it is marvelous either way, whether we successfully change our orientation or we life a life of celibacy]: the point is to pray: "God, just let me please you." 'Homosexuality and change' is a tricky issue : The point should be 'sanctification.' You who continue to struggle with homosexual desires are part of the communion of all saints who struggle. Too often we wear our neurosis like a status symbol. You're nothing today if you are not a survivor of something. We need to bridge the divisions of these labels. One of the most important things to remember is that our passion is common to all saints. How did we ever get to such a struggle? An eternal spiritual warfare. There has been enmity between God and Satan before the world began. I am a fan of the GODFATHER (aren't you glad ex-gays are teaching men to be men?! [laughter]). When they really want to go for you, they go for the one you love. Adam and Eve were naked and had a dynamite sex life but moved instead into blame-placing: the woman you gave me screwed every thing up.... The next generation experienced fratricide. Then came incest with Lot and his daughters. Finally God said, "Just let it rain." The Bible is pro-sexual. Sex is meant to be thoroughly enjoyed, a shared experience of ecstasy reserved for husband and wife. Paul said sin will no longer have dominion. Note he realized sin would stay around, but the victory is that sin will no longer control. Sanctification is a gradual process. We can be ensnared back into sin, "like a dog into his own vomit," as scripture says. Homosexuals repentance works like that: the sin is no longer dominates, but may remain present. For some the sin may be rather dormant; for others it is very active. I have to restrain myself; healing may be slow, gradual, a life-time process. This is not something we charismatics like to hear. We rebuke what we don't like. We're not known for our patience. But process is a reality of life. People tend to say, "You either change or don't." I'm a reformed smoker. I've been in bondage to nicotine. I don't want to be in bondage to it again. Yet if I were to smoke right now within two weeks, I could be back....... We ex-gays experience the same the ease of re-ensnarement. People can change, but change varies in degree. What is Homosexuality: See Richard Friedman. Although he is pro-gay, he has some important things to say: He says there is still not clinical consensus as to what homosexuality really is. Is it practice? Is it a predominant orientation? What determines "predominant"? There is not a lot we can say authoritatively. On the authority of Scripture, homosexuality is always contrary to God's will and homosexual desires are always abnormal. Outside of that: what causes?..... I hope that more tolerance will open up in the psychological community. HOMOSEXUAL should always be only as an adjective, not as a noun. Kinsey first made the same point. Yes, he's under fire; see excellent critique by Reisman [?]. I agree that you cannot divide people as sheep and goats, but sexuality is on a continuum. Only a minority is at either extreme. Labels (including "ex-gay") are too limiting to define your whole personhood. People should not be divided as either/or; classify only their feelings. You are first and foremost a child of God. Those who are most obsessed are those who will never get anywhere until they get their eye off the "sexual problem." True of those who are gay-identified as well: they are much more than their sexuality. [*Would he say God values the gay-identified? LUTI] Change: One's position on the Kinsey scale is not the same for a lifetime. See DeCecco, Friedman.... [DeCecco is gay and edits JOURNAL OF HOMOSEXUALITY] People are more flexible than we tend to think. People who abstain may find they don't need it. They often find a gradual shifting, but not a presto-chango transformation. Freud in his letter to the American mother of a homosexual said, 'I can't guarantee change.' But Freud went on to point out that in some cases we are able to revive the suppressed hetero impulses. This I affirm. The first change should occur in behavior. Don't laugh. That's a change. Tell the guy who stops after requiring five partners (drinks/drugs....) a week that behavior changes aren't changes. I do not apologize for behavior changes. The bible does not say "become heterosexual"; it says only to repent. Second, change occurs in perspective. The way you see things. Job was in a mess; did not deserve it; a victim of circumstances and God allowed him to be attacked by Satan. God lousy counseling. God finally broke through: Who tells me whom I should allow.... I don't ask you people how to run the universe. I'm God. Job's perspective changed before he changed. "Why me?" The identity is not a choice..... We are all assigned a certain struggle and we will be asked by God, did we do the best we could with what we were given. I have stewarded my body.... Paul struggled with his thorn in the side, whatever that was. Many people actually move beyond homosexual orientation; we cannot dismiss that reality, but that does not mean that others should expect this kind of change. In counseling, most people are already too stressed out. You don't need to tell people that their homosexuality is a sin: that's why they are there. Reduce that anxiety lest you thwart the process. Change the behavior; THEN change the perspective. Change the frequency of the problem: it reduces in therapy. But often it does not go away completely. Peter slid from boldness into cowardliness, back and forth even when fearful of being seen with Gentiles. But we can experience a change in the intensity. It is significant to move from "woooooah!" to merely "Oh?" Why difference in the results? I don't know; nor do I know why some sick people are healed and some are not. Those with prior hetero responses have the higher chance, as do those with experience of resisting sin in other areas. Those who have a first-love relationship with Jesus Christ are those that live the most successful lives. Failures are those who change their beliefs rather than on-going obedience. Five steps: ROUTE: Repentance Order unDerstading Training endurance Repentance I was experienced in bisexual areas. In 1984 I repented. No one said anything about change. Only that my behavior was an offense to god. Those who say only "I want to give this a try" usually won't last. Those who say "Homosexuality is a sin and I want nothing of it" will usually stick it out. Repetitious sin pollutes your whole relationship with God. Rejection of relationships and activities that lead you to sin. We have the Liberty to do all things, but it is not expedient to do do all things. For example, Rock and Roll: I like the oldies station; Mowtown can make me dangerous behind the wheel. "Brother Dallas, dancing in the spirit, are we?" Rock and Roll does not lead me into sin. But I have to be extremely careful of the movies that can lead me into sin.. Repeated sin buries issues. Homosexuality is symptomatic, not the deeper issue: so long as you continue to indulge in it, you bury other issues. Sometimes sober alcoholics are terribly grumpy because they are now having to deal with the issues they had fled. Order Specialized care, intimacy, social life. God was delivering people from homosexuality long before our ministries, but in our culture, we need our ministries. Where else is it safe to pray "I have been struggling w/ homosexuality this week; pray for." [much laughter noting how rare such a congregation would be] You can't give up one intense form of intimacy without needing another. Get it. Have someone there who is rooting for you. Get a counselor or a therapist. Don't run from it. Do have a social life, friendships, activities. I'm nervous when people are too involved in support groups only. unDerstading Paul tells us that all scripture was written to advise us. Homosexuality is symptomatic of the deeper issues; not for sex alone; are looking for something through the acts. When you understand that, you can look for the same good thing more legitimately. What types of moods? How often compelled to act out? What are your weaknesses? What punches your buttons? What have you been looking for in it? [Does Dallas never sees sexuality integral except when heterosexual? Is homosexuality always peripheral for him? Luti] Training Adopt the mind of someone taking charge of your life. Find alternative relationships. Those not willing to integrate outside the ex-gay groups have the least success. Most of our problems have come out of relationship. People are in pain because of struggles with people. We need reassurance that we are there. Resistance: We must resist fantasy and temptation. We are being bombarded everywhere, the American cult of the body. Luther: "You can't keep the birds from flying over your head, but you do not have to let them make a nest in your hair." Endurance Determine for yourself why you are even doing this. See Frankel's MAN'S SEARCH FOR MEANING. Those who survived Auschwitz were those that had a higher sense of meaning. If we can stand before Christ as good faithful stewards, that's it. We must be stewards of our bodies. Sanctification is not complete in this life. We carry our scars. We will receive rewards for what we have done with our bodies at Judgment Day.. Do you have a passion in life? Someone you live for? A mission? You need that, and you need to have responsibility beyond yourself--a commitment that will be violated God knew what He was talking about when he condemned certain behaviors. Have fun. Lighten up. Don't be so dreary. Some can only see their life through the filter of their sexuality. I agree with "If there is no dancing at the Revolution, I am not coming." We ought to be sanctified happy people. Avoid the starch (the Pharisees). Regeneration: Part 3 of 7 LutiNotes on a workshop on "Sexual Addiction" conducted by Dr. Doris Morgan Regeneration Conference, Catonsville, MD, May 22, 1993 [Caveat: I wrote these primarily as private notes for my own use. I provide them as a service to persons willing to accept the limitations of such a process. I typed as fast as I could and as accurately as I could, but I did not strive to preserve exact wording when, as often was the case, the speaker sped ahead of my fingers. I left gaps in much of the syntax when I felt I could decipher the notes for basic meaning. If these lead you to explore more complete versions, you may order tapes of all sessions, including those which I did not attend, at $3.50 per session or $25 for all sessions and workshops from Regeneration, P. O. Box 9830, Baltimore, MD 21284. -- Luti] I love the honesty of the word of God: LUST is the term there. When we lust once, we continue to lust for more and more. Lust is idolatry. Many becomes a slave to whatever masters him. Addiction lust is extremely mastering. Glory of sex and the pain of sex: Bible's common emphasis. Helps me understand how powerful it is; God knew how painful it would be when we misuse it. Client: "My addiction is like hell: it consumes me; yet it keeps on burning" Most of us are not born with addictive behavior. Where did something so wonderful become so awful. Often results from trauma, neglect....or our perception of it. We see childhood trauma as children, as pure gut: at that time it does not matter what people say to us, but what goes on in side us. Our parents seem perfect. We're wee, they're tall. Human parents who neglect or hurt us, we say, "What did I do wrong? Daddy can't be imperfect; mommy can't" We need them to survive. Yet we fail to account their baggage. They may not even know what love is. We cannot as kids know what that is all about. All of us are born with a physical identity, male or female, but we learn that role's meaning through others, chiefly through our parents. A current client whose family respected and valued him because he was valued for his feminine side, the beauty of his eyes, his playing in women's clothes. Adults had more power to tell us who we are than we have to tell ourselves. God's gift is to make us in His image. We begin to question ourselves. That's when the roots of addiction begin. We connect these doubts/insecurities to our sexuality. Infants smile when they discover their own genitalia. Child is discovering God's gift. Our culture says sex is no big deal, and yet we are obsessed by it. The Word of God puts protective boundaries about us. When boundaries have been broken and alienation has set up, then we don't grow into health and into wholeness. Original Sin comes to us in the same way, in broken boundaries about our sexuality. Last week I talked to students about pedophilia in a school. Another client was called "daughter" We begin to focus on feeling good, being love. Quick high; fast burn; rapid need for more. (True for any addiction) Very difficult to reverse. Initially we think that sexuality will give us warmth and caring, but we need it over and over again.. Important to go back and discover what was hurting in the first place. [***Much more about sex than most other groups I have been to. LUTI] Brokenness in families. We need to look at the patterns and belief systems that came to us from our families. "WHAT WILL THE PARISHIONERS SAY?" the motto of my childhood, as a preacher's kid. We use addiction to anesthetize our feelings. Yesterday a child of 15 said "the only way I could look at this was to get outside myself" -- patterns repeatedly in clinical experience of multiple personalities. Our choices are important. Anger is an interesting emotion. It's second level, protective.... In the center of the target is the need to be loved; the next circle out is pain and hurt, because we feel we deserve to be loved perfectly; third circle is fear (of unlove); the outer circle is anger. The angrier you get, the more fearful you are inside. We don't celebrate our addictions: they are always secret. Relationships are only as strong as their weakest secrets. "Screw you!" is the secular equivalent. Fantasy life is like a vcr in the brain and any moment you may turn it on; "so available." Lust does not satisfy; it stirs up. There are times when obsession feels like possession. You lose control, and it controls you. Goal of intimacy is God's design. Lack of intimacy is isolation. We also need playfulness. Jesus would have been fun to be with at a wedding. Pleasure plus guilt plus pain = death. Lust kills. The goal of acceptance becomes alienation. We can delude other people. Client this week had been addicted for 18 years and only this week did his wife learn this. Addiction alienates us from other people and from God. Luther: We are not there yet, but we are on the journey. Sometimes we retreat into the safety of the addiction. Sometimes we are scared to death of being close to another person. Too often we take our self-hatred and project it on another person. [*The biblical condemnation is given, never explored. No reading of the underwriting texts. Clearly most speakers assumed a lesbigay audience, unlike the EURRR group; apologias are not a part of the Integrity groups either. However, I note that in one workshop which I did not attend, Joe Dallas taught how to respond to each lesbigay exegesis of the major anti-gay texts. LUTI] Zaccheus repented; he gave back more than he took; turned around 1. You must really want to change consciously. 2. You must be honest with yourself. It's sin. It's deception. 3. You need to be pro-active. All athletes start with a plan to change to reach their goal. God never made us in parts. We are connected. If we are going to have a plan, we need one to encompass all of it. Matt. 11:28-29 "My yoke .....you will find rest. MY yoke is easy and my burden is light." We must take Jesus as our paraclete in that journey. 1. Give the battle to God. 2. Stop keeping the secret. [not necessary to run up and down the church aisle: oh, how can you do that; I will pray for you.] 3. Ask God to show you a lovingly Godly person to do it with. Addiction by nature is something we give in to in weak moments. Friends get us through the moment and our emotional need will diminish. All forgiveness can be done by an individual. All reconciliation requires two. It's important that we begin to do what is necessary to begin to re-connect. The road to forgiveness begins on the cross. Forgiveness must take us through the process of pain. The individual often needs to be able to tell the partner what has been going on. When we talk to other people, we cannot expect that they will want to hear it or will respond in love. Some will say, "Liar! That never happened; how could you do that to me? Develop nonsexual ways to meet intimacy needs. Our desire is to be known in our hearts. Change our self-perceptions. We need to see ourselves in a new light. Measure progress in milliliters, not in giant steps. You will be most vulnerable when you are hungry, angry, hurt, tired.... Plan ahead for such.. One day to break a habit but two weeks to change one. Learn to deal with your anger. Learn what it does to you. Become less passive and more assertive. Ungirting all change is spiritual. God knows when we love, when we have made a step forward. God is faithful. If we can look ahead (addiction tries to keep us at the moment)...... [She closed by reading from ~Psalms Now~ a transliteration of Psalm 32. Luti] Regeneration Part 4 of 7 LutiNotes on the second plenary session "Homosexuality and the Church" conducted by Joe Dallas Regeneration Conference, Catonsville, MD, May 22, 1993 [Caveat: I wrote these primarily as private notes for my own use. I provide them as a service to persons willing to accept the limitations of such a process. I typed as fast as I could and as accurately as I could, but I did not strive to preserve exact wording when, as often was the case, the speaker sped ahead of my fingers. I left gaps in much of the syntax when I felt I could decipher the notes for basic meaning. If these lead you to explore more complete versions, you may order tapes of all sessions, including those which I did not attend, at $3.50 per session or $25 for all sessions and workshops from Regeneration, P. O. Box 9830, Baltimore, MD 21284. -- Luti] The way the Church has been responding--to those outside, to those who struggle against it....and the way that we respond to each other. We're in the middle of a battle about how to define spiritual issues. Strong movement to change our definition and strong resistance. In Ephesians Paul says we are a poema, (a poem), the means by which God is trying to express himself. The Church has not always accurately expressed God's mind. When the Church does not follow, God calls the church to repent and to recommit. We must repent of immorality within the body of Christ before we can recommit. Samson and his haircut (long hair a symbol of his vows of holiness). He lost his strength when he compromised his spiritual authority because of its own immorality. Epidemic of moral failure in Christian leadership. Makes us look a little silly when we say, "You are living in sin," when our church leaders are living in sin. "My wife and I go there [to abortion clinics] to repent." Recent gay march on Washington: "God hates fags" What a terrible Christian witness. We need a place for public repentance. "Did they really think there was anyone to talk to as preventative care?" re: clergy sexual sin. We need a place for honesty. The lost art of accountability . We are too "success oriented" and the higher profile of its leader's position. We need to measure one another by our ability to love one another. The Church will have to emphasize mutual accountability and discipleship. I do not want the church to become a major recovery unit: psychology should not be equated with the Bible. But we need more intimate honesty within the body of Christ. Christian men are having a terrible time dealing with pornography. Found it sad that his pastor found it strange that he and his wife had made it to marriage counseling without having sexually related. Church must repent of its hostility towards lesbians and gays and recommit to bold love! [amen!] Hostility is not the answer. It does not make for effective ministry, but for alienation. Jonah was called to minister to a group of people he did not like. He did not thank the mission board. He was scared and ran away from his calling, puked up on the beach, even then he preached the world's worst evangelistic sermon: "Destruction!" and then when he was successful, he was furious that he did not see God's judgment come pouring down. So many in the Church are afflicted with the Jonah Syndrome. Conservative Christians and radical gay groups: exit ministries have had our share. We are reaping the fruit of bitter seed sown decades ago. Anita, Bryant, Moral Majority...... yes, we needed to enter the public arena, but we put more emphasis on gaining political power than on teaching love and building relationships. It wasn't enough to preach that the Bible condemns homosexuality (which it does!), but we seemed to convince everyone that gays are the worst on the planet. We condemned them for practices which most homosexuals had never even heard of. When the gay community heard remarks about them that were cruel and inaccurate, they heard that there were parts of the Body of the Christ who wanted to hurt them, the complicity of the church in stereotypes, they knew that we weren't interested in their spiritual well being. Gay leaders used these remarks unfairly to inflame their people and to misrepresent all these as respectful.... Advent of the AIDS epidemic....the best opportunity the church has had in decades...... Young men dying.....what an opportunity: let's find out what they need, that we're really concerned, God is concerned. No, we heard, the judgment of God is heard. Left those in the church who struggle with their own homosexuality even more alienated! On our end, we have to take responsibility for some of the cruelty that has been enacted and we must repent towards bold love, without compromising biblical standards. Jesus was not too obsessed w/ people's sin..... Bold love gets to the real issue: love....... People can go to hell straight just as easily as gay. The preaching of the gospel must be respectful. We don't have to be wimps; we don't have to yield to militant gays. But we can surely reinstitute a sense of respect of dialoguing with gays where they are. Horrible indictment that conservative Christians surprise gays when the discover that we can be interested in AIDS ministry. How helpful if Christians in the work force (all of us know some) if we learned to listen, to listen to their pain. Our ears are the most important part of our ministry. I respect your personhood does not mean that we agree. I am interested. I want to know you experience. Church must repent of being by repenting of pro-gay and pro-liberal forces that are trying to silence the Christian viewpoint. We don't have to back down on our own values. We have heard our own spokespersons speak so poorly that we don't want to be identified. When we are silent, we give the impression that only a few kooks believe in the moral standards of the bible. Conservative Christians are the most easily criticized group in America, especially on talk shows. The cards are terribly stacked against us. The decision to abandon practice is based on faithfulness to truth. The same must drive our willingness to make statements on morality, even when inconvenient. We tried the power motive, and that did not work. Faithfulness must motivate us. E.g., write an editor. Simple to do. More ought to. Why so many from pro-gays and so few from conservative Christians? We must find the balance in our tone. The gay community provides some stiff competition indeed for the church: they find acceptance, solidarity, intensity. How can we match that? How would we fare if the gays could feel as honest among us as they do at the gay bars. I support Exodus, but really, why must there be and Exodus? Too often we evolved because so few churches would care at all. Even those who struggle against homosexuality are shunted off into a corner. Where has the rest of the Church been. It does not want to deal with the fact presence of homosexuality in the church. Housekeeping Medinger wants to address the lack of black presence and we have a way of intending about that. Durral Foley (?), a black male minister, made an appeal to promote ministry w/i the black community. Dave Whitaker announced inner-healing softball to recover the true masculine, to occur just after the dismissal.... Regeneration Part 5 of 7 LutiNotes on a workshop on "Healing of the Feminine Soul" conducted by Willa Medinger, wife of Alan, ex-gay director of Regeneration Regeneration Conference, Catonsville, MD, May 22, 1993 [Caveat: I wrote these primarily as private notes for my own use. I provide them as a service to persons willing to accept the limitations of such a process. I typed as fast as I could and as accurately as I could, but I did not strive to preserve exact wording when, as often was the case, the speaker sped ahead of my fingers. I left gaps in much of the syntax when I felt I could decipher the notes for basic meaning. If these lead you to explore more complete versions, you may order tapes of all sessions, including those which I did not attend, at $3.50 per session or $25 for all sessions and workshops from Regeneration, P. O. Box 9830, Baltimore, MD 21284. -- Luti] After 15 years with Alan, I had to deal with my anger. I hoped I would help the women struggling to overcome lesbianism because their journey towards wholeness seemed much longer than that of other women. When I asked Alan how to help lesbians, he replied, "I have no idea of how to help a woman, because a woman is so whole, so integrated. With a man you fix this part and you fix this part." That left me with God as my only source, and I knew that God could heal a woman because God healed me. A true Christian man has the responsibility to provide for and protect women. He is also part feminine, lest he be dominating and out of touch with his emotions. One of the safest times in my life is when Alan will say "no" to me. This creates in me a sense of love. It almost turns me on. I feel centered. I feel I am who I am. This creates security. I yearn for boundaries, and I become a woman within them. The mature Christian man does not fear women. Misogyny has existed since the fall. A man who wipes his hands of putting controls on her is also a misogynist. He can't even care enough to say "no." The mature Christian man prizes woman and helps her to become all she can be in Christ. The mature Christian man encourages woman to depend on Christ, and not on himself. It is to Christ that she is accountable. If the man is unkind to her, she is still called to be accountable to Christ. Her mate's behavior does not give her the liberty to sin. Christ is a higher authority than her husband. I would far rather be a woman under Christ than a man. Jesus calls husbands to sacrifice their lives for another; I am called to honor that sacrifice. That sacrifice leaves me speechless. In the absence of pure femininity, the man's calling is not lessened either. He may be called to speak the truth in love. What a mature Christian Woman Looks Like: At the heart, she is at peace and responds with obedience when the man says 'no.' In therapy I will let the lesbian throw back to me very association with the word WOMAN: [long list of negatives....] Instead: I feel that a WOMAN is ".....responsible, compassionate, hospitable, pure, gracious, faithful, pure. God does not wish woman put down. God Almighty will defend her. She does not take up the protection of herself by herself. The most awesome example: Sarah's problem with Abraham, who told the king that Sarah was his sister and committed her to the king's harem twice! Abraham was afraid that he would be overthrown and beaten in war. Woman strengthens man's strength and compensates for his weakness. She can also embrace the masculine strengths in herself. At first, I came out "super femm" -- extremely vulnerable and afraid. My pastor prayed that the true masculine would come out in me. It involved my: 1. Initiating 2. Standing fast 3. Speaking the truth in love. Allen was able to grow when I grew strong enough to speak out. I was able to affect his growth as a man. So many clients would cry when I asked "Who are you?" They would try to define who they were by what they did. That's not it. Some have picked up a diseased femininity. Like many of their mothers, they have become controlling. Some others have sometimes became what their fathers wanted them to be. Never had they become what God wanted them to be. To get back to whom we are created to be, we need nurturing. Diseased masculinity and diseased femininity in the home. They patronized or devalued one another. Often the mothers looked to man to define them. They were man pleasers, not God pleasers. Often even kind fathers never tried to stop the mothers from doing harmful things they were doing to their daughters. Often fathers let the little girl be surrogate wife. Often the mothers took on man's responsibility in order to hold the family together. Often the person married to a man coming out of homosexuality, were holding the family together, but would have this bitterness of anger at never being able to be who God made them to be. I often felt that it was my job to save Allen, yet they kept him locked in his sexual addiction. I was there making everything right and he did not need God. I would tell him I had been responsible for sending him into the parks. I was trying to play God. God said that there is only one way that I know how to help -- pain. You stop taking the pain away. I prayed, "If I give Alan to you, God, who will love him?" I was saying that the only one capable of loving my husband was me. I was setting myself up as redeemer. I was saying that if Allen no longer needed me, he did not love me. Heterosexual women are often bonded to and encourage abuse. I had become bonded to my brother's abuse. In searching for male love, I had bonded to my brother's abuse, because it was at least something. These kinds of women encourage abusers. Where do I see lesbians going astray? Often their mothers were unable to give life.... If a woman as a child has never received nurture, how can she give that to her daughter? Many of the times when these marriages are just search a mess, you see a mother turn to her daughter for what she is not receiving from her husband even to suck life from the daughter. "Do you feel very responsible for your mother?" Most of the women say 'yes.' What is not in place is a feeling of their own being. I saw this void, this lack of being in the daughters and in the daughters. And the fathers often stood by when that happened. Often parents will not release children. Girls vow never to be a woman since it is an acceptance of weakness. How do you ever restore the feminine soul? When I prepared this class, I would have said, the woman needs to depend on God for her emotional needs, that she should not attempt to feel again. God said: In healing a feminine soul the most powerful thing is bonding with a mature feminine human being. With proper loving, a woman looks to a man with trust. It is from there that she can begin to listen and begin to become who she was meant to be. The Holy Spirit does not abandon us when we are angry. It is the anger which hides the anxiety and the pain. You also have to go through the anger with your mother. You will never want to have anything to do with the feminine until you resolve what is inside you. Finally we fall into our pain. (See THE SILENT PAIN) A lot of the rage is that we hurt so darn bad because we never got that love that we need. The tears can last from two to six years. Regeneration Part 6 of 7 LutiNotes on Regeneration Conference, Catonsville, MD, May 22, 1993 Addenda: two encounters with parents: At Willa Medinger's session on "Healing the Feminine Soul" At the end of the session, a man in great emotion pointed out how important this group is for keeping him and his wife sane. 'We lost our daughter, he said, because we were to financially strapped to be home with her in those crucial first three years of cuddling. We had more money when our son came and we were able to bond with him. But the daughter went off to Rutgers, which is riddled with lesbian and gay professors, and now has left us. We were so wrong in her childhood. We love her still, and when she comes back she can still be quite close to us, but then she goes back to that awful lesbian life.....' Many 'amens' through this. One man sitting next to me told the man to forgive himself, that we can't hold ourselves responsi- ble for our kids' decisions once they reach 18.... But the father would hear none of it. 'And my wife is hurting even more than I am!' he said. His wife held on to him tightly. At lunch Ann Carlson and I sat next to an heterosexual couple in their 60s, obviously of humble means in manners and dress. The husbands' hands had been obviously washed, but deep dirt remained, as from hard labor. "Are you involved in this ministry," I asked. "We have a son who is coming out of homosexuality," the father replied. "Is he part of this ministry?" "He's away at the University. We are here to learn how to be supportive." "When did he share his identity with you?" "Very early. When he was 13." "How old is he now?" "26" "How did you feel?" "We loved him. We have always loved him." "Would you love him if he were to choose to remain gay?" I asked. The father and mother both looked at me with complete surprise, completely incredulous: "Of course! Nothing could ever separate him from our love." "Does he know that?" I asked. "Yes!" they both responded. The father added, "I think that far too much is made of sexuality anyway. Sexuality does not define him for us. He is much too complex for that, as is our other son. They are like Esau and Jacob. Our gay son is a concert pianist with enormous talent; our other son hunts, fishes...." "Do they like each other?" "They are like Esau and Jacob!" the father said impatiently. "Of course they don't. But we love them both. We don't understand how we had a son so fine as our gay boy: neither of us has any musical talent, yet even when he was quite small, his teachers kept telling us he knew too much to teach him, and we kept sending him to more and more advanced teachers, until finally a major concert musician connected with him. Clearly God has given him these vast talents, and clearly God has great plans for him." "As a gay man," I said, "let me assure you that you are a father we would all dream to have! Don't you worry about your son. You love him; he knows that. Assure him that God loves him even more!" Regeneration: Part 7 of 7 LutiNotes on Regeneration Conference, Catonsville, MD, May 22, 1993 Addenda: Question & Answers [These are recorded from even skimpier hand-written notes, since I did not have on my laptop. Luti] Q: If we are willing to modulate our biblical stance on slavery and on women, why are we not willing to modulate it on homosexuality? Dallas: The bible never prescribed slavery nor the persecution of women. People misused the bible to support those interpretations, and we have corrected that misuse. The bible is much clearer about the evils of homosexuality. We give a bible reading, not a bible interpretation. The bible reads that homosexuality is an abomination. Q: Any day now, as certain as the sunrise, the APA or other official body of psychologists will definitely "prove" that homosexuality is genetic, not a choice -- whether or not such is true. And the entire culture is going to blast us for trying to change what God has made. What should we respond? Dallas: The bible never said that being homosexual is evil, nor that being crippled is evil. It is homosexual behavior and desire that are evil. The APA cannot change God's prohibitions against it. Nor are we claiming that all will be cured. We are claiming that we will all be faithful to struggling our very best not to yield. Q: You have told us that we should be better listeners and that we should make lesbians and gays more comfortable among us, even those who have not committed to abandon that life style. Should pastors allow persons to come to the church when they come in pairs of lovers? Medinger: I believe that pastors should respond to gays precisely as they would respond to straights living in couples outside marriage. And if I read practice correctly in most places, all those would be welcome, regardless of what people said about their choices. Q: But in the case of straights, the pastor could tell them to go and get married..... Medinger: [Blushing, smiling] No, don't worry. I am not about to say that the pastor should say the same thing to lesbians and gays. The bible gives absolutely no authority for homosexual marriages. Q: The bible tells us that after a time God will give up on homosexuals and turn them over to the devil. Romans 1, for example. Should we not practice a similar exclusion? Answer by one of the members of Regeneration: I believe that God is my Father, and I know for certain that my heavenly father to whom I gave my life at age 11 has gone to all possible lengths to get me back, particularly when I myself was not even sure I wanted to come back. Medinger: What is it we have on the t-shirts for our softball team: "And such were some of you, but now I am a softball player!" Dallas: Note that the questions suggest that God is waiting up there to ensnare the homosexual. That is not the gospel. God is loves the homosexual Q: When we were witnessing to a group of lesbians and gays at Carnegie Melon, they put us down by saying "We were born this way." We replied, "But pedophiles often say the same thing, yet you would not say birth makes pedophilia okay." Then the lesbians and gays replied, "But my action does not hurt anybody; pedophiles do hurt others." We were at a loss. How should we have replied? Dallas: I would not like to see laws equate all homosexuality with pedophilia. Homosexuality itself is not equal to child molestation. Q. Can gays still experience grace if they continue to sin? Dallas: I believe they can. The bible says "The Gifts and calling of God are without repentance!" People in willful sin can still experience anointing. I don't understand it, but I know it to be true. Look at how God has used for good the ministries of many evangelists whom we now know to have been living in sin when they were preaching. Q: But when I willfully sin, I feel set off, broken, out of fellowship with God, and I do not believe that God anoints me then.